Alt Text: Not Everyone Subscribes to Apple’s Plans for Domination

Apple recently announced a new policy regarding digital subscription fees for publications distributed on the company’s various iPrefixed devices: “Gimme.”

No, no, I’m being unfair again, oversimplifying and abridging Apple’s actual stance in pursuit of cheap laughs. I told myself I’d stop doing that. So here, in Apple’s own words, is the actual new policy regarding digital subscriptions, and the fees thereof:

Bug_altext“Gimme the money.”

In legal terms, this means that companies and individuals selling subscriptions to their digital offerings — including America’s sweetheart, Wired magazine — must hand over 30 percent of the take, ideally in a burlap sack with a large dollar sign printed on it.

Furthermore — and this is what’s really braising everyone’s beef cheeks — you’re not allowed to offer your customers better deals outside Apple’s well-tended hegemony. In fact, your app can’t even direct users to a site where they’re able to buy your wares without Uncle Steve holding out his hand and clearing his throat meaningfully.

“This is actually good for everyone,” explained Apple’s junior vice president in charge of public relations, Some Liar. “This benefits consumers most of all,” he lied. “This isn’t about money, it’s about creating a consistent user experience.”

Then he died and went straight to hell, which is where liars go.

Many publishers reacted to the announcement by saying the terms would force them out of the digital-content business and back into print publishing, which is extremely profitable and will never become obsolete.

One reason Apple can charge such fees with no more shame than a sex mime is that so far the iPad’s most fearsome competition in the tablet market is the Motorola FabuPad, a $1,200 device that most industry experts agree is actually a Wooly Willy toy.

“You know, that thing where there’s some magnet shavings and you make it look like [Wooly] Willy has hair,” explained Ray Stevette, a senior consultant at The Sparkleshine Group.

Other entries into the tablet arena, unveiled at the recent Mobile World Congress in Barcelona, Spain, include the Samsung SlowPoke, the Microsoft RememberWhenPeopleUsedToBeScaredOfUs and the BlackBerry Torte, which is an actual blackberry torte.

The highlight of the show was the HP BestPad, which nobody was allowed to hold, touch or look at from any vantage point other than the two approved Press Holes. When a reporter for CNET pointed out that some glitter glue was flaking off the BestPad onto the supporting podium, the exhibit was closed, and all present were threatened.

The upshot of all this is that the iPad is set to remain the top-selling tablet device at least until someone figures out what tablet devices are actually for. This gives Steve Jobs the sort of leverage that would make Archimedes drool.

Jobs knows it, too. In his latest official statement, he said: “I am Plouton, the ancient god of wealth and the underworld. All who pass through my gates must pay the toll, and all must pass through my gates. My realm is eternal and inescapable. You are my chattel. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [emphasis added].”